Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
