so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
you never un-have a 4some
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
