Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
