I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Pooping to opera.
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