It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
