u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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