it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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