No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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