I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
