I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
