I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
