Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Someone came in the potted fern
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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