If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
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thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
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I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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