Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
