My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
