Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
