i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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