party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
