go do what you do best...puke behind churches
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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