just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
