Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
