TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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