We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
