Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
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I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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