i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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