Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
