you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
