Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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