Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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