Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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