I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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