I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
