god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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