Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
