I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
