as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
