Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
