Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
