apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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