i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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