He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
