there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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