And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
