We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
