I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
