Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
