if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
