Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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