why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
