I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
