hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
