Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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