guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Of course I have a pirate flag
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
