I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Are we still banned from the library?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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