It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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