I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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